Stream: Jennifer Lopez (feat. Pitbull) - "On the Floor"

I like Jennifer Lopez better when I don’t hear from her. When she got married and had babies and decided to stay out of the public eye, we were cool. Then she got this American Idol gig and now there’s word that her album Love, which everyone had presumed dead, may actually see the light of day. There are so many reasons why this is a terrible idea that I would need to write an essay in the style of Andrew Casillas to get to them all. But I’ll spare you and just hope that Ms. Lopez has one diva fit too many at Idol and gets the boot so that Love is shelved indefinitely because this leak from the album is reason enough for her to retire from the music game for good.

“On the Floor” is a sad, sad disaster of a song, if you can even call it that. With its Europop leanings and lazy Pitbull guest spot, the song reeks of desperation of the kind that bald old men in Ed Hardy t-shirts exude at da club. So, maybe it will be a hit at Karma? Except not even a Jersey Shore crowd drunk out of their minds would get down to this. And for someone who seems to think she’s poised for a comeback, J.Lo isn’t even trying to be current, or even five years ago. The already tired la la la chorus is based on “Lambada.” Kaoma’s “Lambada,” y’all! At one point she even says “raise the roof,” like maybe she is yearning for a time when she was actually relevant.